HR07

its hari raya again. not excited about it all. whats there to? how can i be proud celebrating it. hari raya is a celebration for people who manage to kerb from what they are told not to. keeping themselves away from what they are told not to. thus, i dont really look into it.... over and over again i tried, but i am just not willing to do it. why oh why.... sometimes, the stupidest reason would be due to smoking. what a waste...... how do i turn to god? i hope i do have next year's ramadhan to proof myself that i can do it.

towards the mid fasting month, i call it quits. what reasons i have? nothing. i am so going to hell. its becoming so normal to light up a ciggy and go to work. im ashamed of myself. cina colleagues stopped giving me munchies cos im supposed to fast. but it didnt stop me. im a disgrace.. an aweful one too.

underneath this all, i still go for my hari raya prayers. and the tahlil for the end of ramadhan. thats where i find calm and happiness. in my small weak heart, i told myself, this would be more meaningful if i had fasted fully.

as i drive into the loading bay, i saw dad. i saw dad turning his head looking at me parking. it excite me to see that acknowledgement from him. i quickly walked into the crowd and sat beside him. just nice, he was holding the mic. he just started to recite the takbir. i joined in with the feeling of calmness and serenity. before tears start to roll, i felt dad's palm on my shoulders. start to think of the joy i'd be seeing if the deads are alive. it'd be so much fun with atuk, nek, mak, unc kamaruz, nek itam.... all of them.

the next morning, sleepless, i got ready. ready for the prayers. i once learnt to seek forgiveness from the folks before seeing HIM. thats what i thought i wanna do this year. but father in law left the house about 5am. and im still not prepared. so i got ready, did my subuh, then scoot to my parents.

ibu just got back from GL, dad just finished his subuh. ibu prepared some hot tea for me while waiting for dad to finish his prayers. thought only it will be the two of us, but adik also wanted to join. adik started to do the seeking of forgiveness thingy. i wanted to start it first but i told my folks i will do it during the visit, to have my wife to do it with me. its been a while im feeling this nice and happy .... maybe since the fishing trip months back.

my wish to do my prayers at the cemetary mosque is answered. im happy. to make it better, i have my dad and brother by my side. we went to atuk's, nek, jujuk, and mak's. dad cried at everyone of them. especially atuk's and mak's. the cemetary visit after the prayers is very meaningful to me. in the car, we talk about life. about dad's intention for retirement. i feel good.

back home, everyone's asleep. tot i wanna seek forgiveness from father in law but he's asleep. so i joined in. too sleepy.... an hour later, was waken up for the visits. faced bak for forgiveness. then off to my parents. i couldnt compose myself during the session, kept crying and crying. i dont get IT.

then off to neneks. took picture of the complete squad. i missed this too much. then back home to fetch bak and busu. then to nyai's. then off to atuks. laughed off at some stupid show.then nanans. i loike it at nanans. the nasi briyani (or was it not) i tell u ... awesomely sedap. last house, wak's closed open house. close as in majority had left, open as in the door is still open for us. heh. it was already one.

got accident on the PIE.

reached home....

selamat hari raya.... yeah. selamat.